Wednesday, October 3, 2018

An Evangelical Went into the Wilderness

An evangelical went into the wilderness to pray and fast, to seek the face of God, for forty days.

And when the evangelical was hungry, the Devil came and said, “Make some bread for yourself, to assuage your hunger.”

And the evangelical said, “Of course, that’s something I can do. I work hard, I’m smart, I love God. But I’ll make just enough for myself; wouldn’t want to share my bread with anyone else.” 

“Of course not,” said the Devil.

So the evangelical made bread, satisfied the hunger and praised the god.

The next day, the Devil decided that another temptation might be in order, so the Devil took the evangelical to the pinnacle of a very large megachurch, and said, “Toss yourself off, because you know what the Bible says, “God will send angels to save you.”

Not knowing quite what do to, the evangelical thought about it, and decided to go into the megachurch and tell a conversion story, how she used to be a bad person, do drugs, mistreat little children, and loved money. And, then, after giving her life to god, she became a good person, done with drugs … and by god’s love, she now loves money in a new way, and when it comes to little children, especially immigrant children, she still mistreats them, only because of their parents; their parents made bad decisions, and you know what the Bible says, she wisely offered, that children are punished for the bad decisions their parents make.

Well, the megachurch crowed went crazy, especially on the part of loving money in a new way, and mistreating little children whose parents made bad decisions.

And the megachurch crowd anointed her with ordination and money.

The Devil said, “Well done m’dear.”

Well, a few more days passed, and the Devil wondered about some kind of final deal, a way to really hook the evangelical, so that she’d belong to the Evil One forever.

The Devil considered any number of things … and then hit upon the Great Idea, and the next day, after consulting with various demons and demiurges, the Devil went to the evangelical and said, “Look, I know that you hate abortion. Am I right?”

“Of course you’re right,” said the evangelical. “I hate abortion. I hate those who provide it. I hate the women who choose it. I hate the Supreme Court for affirming it as a right for women. By the way,” she said, “I hate equal rights for women. It hasn’t done us a bit of good except get us into trouble with our husbands. Our men need us to knuckle under and behave. We can’t be trusted. And I hate gays, too, and their agenda to take over our lives.”

“Well, here’s the deal,” said the Devil. “If you want judges to undo Roe v. Wade, judges to take away women’s freedom, and judges who will stop the gay agenda, here’s what you need to do.”

By this time, the evangelical was all ears, with a bright shining face, jumping for joy, praising god, singing praise songs. “What do I have to do?” she cried. “I’ll do it. I’ll do it!”

And the Devil said … 

“Wait, wait,” cried the evangelical. Let me get a few of my friends.”

And she did, and soon gathered around her, a smiling, eager, crowd … “We’re ready,” she said. “What must we do to have it our way?”

“Just bow down to me,” said the Devil, “and worship me …”

And before he finished the last word, she and the crowd flung themselves prostrate on the ground before the Devil, praising god and lifting their voices in endless choruses … they could feel the power flowing into them, their hatred growing stronger by the minute … the world was their’s, they’d have their way … ridding the world of all evil, making everyone bow down to their god. “Oh happy day,” they sang, while cleaning their weapons … and then the rallies began … here and there, cheering and shouting, singing and praying … flags waving and t-shirt slogans … power … oh, how the power came into them.

And the Devil was happy!

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